I have no game

This is very apparent by the "1-800 Your Mom" written on the bottom of my bar tab receipt when the adorable NY bartender asked me to leave my number so we could get a drink later.

I'm not sure if it was the 6 vodka sodas or me thinking I was really funny, but 1-800 your mom is not my phone number, and now I feel bad.

I was extremely happy for my time in NYC as it was filled with arrogant, smart, good looking guys who were quite pleased with how I said "boat" and "about." I spilt the same drink in the same guy's lap, twice, and he didn't even care that much.

I heart NY. Their bars are open until 4.

But now I'm home and back to being totally clueless, over sharing on first dates and having guys say things like "You don't like being liked, do you?" Correct.

So I'm not awesome at the dating game, but you know what I am awesome at? Cooking breakfast.

French toast much? I love breakfast for dinner, but Wonder bread can suck it, I'm using croissants.

Recipe:

Halve croissants length wise.

In bowl beat 4 eggs, 1 cup half and half or milk and a mix of whatever spices you like: I personally love cardamom, cinnamon, nutmeg, vanilla and almond extract.

Dip croissants and put in hot frying pan with butter. Cook on medium heat until crispy.

I hate syrup so I use Nutella or berries! Yum!

As my cousin said, "I can never eat regular French toast again."

Correct.

What the...

So you know what hurts worse than the actual breakup? The fact that my rude ex bf hasn't had a few drinks and called me crying. I mean seriously, that's not even cute.

Ain't no party like an East Coast Party

So I've been deployed to New York to help our customers effected by Hurricane Sandy. Actually that's the direct verbiage they instructed me to leave on my voicemail. The word "deployed" makes me sound really important, really work sent me here to wade in ankle deep mud to write estimates on flooded vehicles.

Ill be here 21 days and obviously without a kitchen there won't be much baking, but that doesn't mean there won't be pure entertainment brought to you from your's truly. What it does mean is that after working a 12 hour day I may not be as funny as I should be.

So, let me start by saying I wouldn't suggest watching a show on the "Top 10 worst plane crashes" right before you board a plane. Again, just an ADHD tidbit.

I left Minneapolis knowing that we had nearly 18,000 claims to handle on the East coast but details were minimal. When a hurricane knocks out your power and drowns your city apparently issues with gas, heat and basic necessities arise. That doesn't exclude claims adjusters. We too get to check into hotels without full power and lug our 80 lb suitcase up 12 flights of stairs. The only close restaurant with power just happens to be, Applebee's.

I have customers that are 700th on the rental list. I've seen people who are staying at this hotel because they no longer have a home, there are people with boats in their living room wall, so I'm grateful to have a kitchen to go home to.

Before I left I had to leave behind some leftovers and my parents live right by an apple farm so I give you a really easy and so yummy apple pie variation.

Recipe:
Peel and core (don't go all the way through the bottom) 4 small apples. Mix butter, brown sugar, cardamom, vanilla, cinnamon (use whatever amounts you want to make it look tasty). Pit into center of apple.

Make a pasty dough crust, roll into squares. Brush edges with egg white. Roll up over apple, pinch edges. Brush egg over and sprinkle with sugar. Bake 350 for 30 or until brown.

Fill the apples with pumpkin or cheese cake filling, nuts, etc and change your flavor!

I'm just sorta bad

When in good I'm really, really good, but when I'm bad I'm fabulous!

So why a bad vegetarian?

I didn't become a vegetarian for health reasons, I just got that added benefit. I wasn't born and bred meatless, my parents let me choose my path. I didn't become a vegetarian to impress a guy (clearly) or to rebel. I became a vegetarian because as a kid I didn't want to eat cute animals.

There are very serious vegans out there that know what is in everything they eat, use and wear. There are vegetarians out there that call themselves vegetarian but still eat chicken. There are nutritionally careful vegetarians and there are not so careful vegetarians. I'm in the naughty not so careful category.

I do know what is in my food because I cook it. I don't eat marshmallows or gelatin yoghurt or frosted mini wheats (all have animals bi-products), but I do have leather boots and my dog still eats organic beef- so I'm no saint.

When I cook vegetarian I don't always set out to cook a protein-packed balanced entree, sometimes I just cook what looks, or tastes (hopefully both) good. Hence, my title the bad vegetarian.

I love trying new recipes and not following them. I have ADHD so if its too long or complicated I do my own thing early on. I don't have time for Martha Stewart type precision. This can be good and bad. When it's bad it's usually awful. When it's good chances are I can't remember what I did.

I do cook when I'm stressed and/or bored, and I cook when I think about calling my ex (learned that lesson early), or when I want to avoid doing laundry. You can often tell my mood by the nutritional value of my current dish. Who wants to eat healthy when they just got dumped?

Bring on the cheese.

People don't invite me to their parties because I'm fun, they invite me because I bring hot artichoke dip.

Below:

Pudding brownies
Garden Guacamole
Mini Pumpkin cheesecakes
Chocolate tortes
Artichoke dip (recipe below)

RECIPE:
in a food processor (or by hand if you aren't so lucky) pulse:
2 cans drained artichoke hearts
4oz cream cheese
1cup mozzarella
1/2 cup Parmesan
(Swap out cheese for goat or pepper jack depending on preference)
1cup mayo
1/2 cup sour cream
1T crushed rosemary
1-4 peeled garlic cloves (I heart garlic)
1t ground pepper
Fresh or frozen thawed spinach (optional)

Pulse until blended but not puréed. Add a few hand chopped artichoke quarters and spread into a baking dish. Bake 400 degrees until hot and bubbly.

Serve with carrots, pits, chips, crackers or bread. Go to bed happy.

Well that was a bad idea.

It was an interesting weekend filled with more memories ill try and suppress.

Turns out contacting your ex does not make you feel better. It does not help you heal. It does, however, make you feel like complete crap. So if you've been dumped and you want to dive deeper into your spiral of self hatred put your ex on speed dial and pray.

If you want to see the results after my experience imagine me baking a cake, throwing it in the trash and then eating it out of the trash ala Miranda on Sex in the City.

I said good day.

Hangry. So hungry you are Angry.

My dad always said he would have to kill any guy who hurt me and broke my heart. What he never planned for was when that same guy would break his heart, too. My dad mourned for my breakup. He was upset and missed my ex just like me, but he never once tried to pretend that things were going to be easy nor did he feed me the traditional lines about being too good or meeting someone better. My dad simply hugged me and said that the only thing that can help is time and he promised me that any guy would be lucky to be with me. (Dad made sure not to say "have"- he is a feminist, after all).

My mom, meanwhile, did try to make me smile by asking the cat if he would maim my ex for me. "Tuxedo, you'll claw his eyes out for Mara, won't you?" (See Tuxedo's response below).

Both of my parents are great, and they both taught me how to cook and bake. My mom knew about baking breads and pie crusts and how to make sure you didn't over beat your egg whites. Dad taught me how to throw together a great soup and freeze my tomato paste. Together they made sure my lunch as a kid was a PBJ and an oatmeal cookie and not a Snack Pack and Fruit Roll-ups. (Oh, lord, how I wanted my parents to buy Snack Packs and Fruit Roll-ups!)

When I was really young, maybe 10, I decided all on my own that I was going to become a vegetarian and over night I cut out meat, cold turkey. Literally. My family never ate a lot of meat to start with so it wasn't that huge of a change, but I do remember that my parents supported my choice 100%. When my dad would make turkey he would always make sure to have something else prepared for me. My mom would attempt to educate me on nutrition and vitamins and still does today.

I don't walk around as if being a vegetarian is my identity, but it is part of it. As a kid I didn't want animals to have to suffer so I could eat them, and I still don't. I understand other people have a different mentality about meat and that is fine -- I don't preach or ridicule, but I would hope that if people do eat meat they know where it's coming from and what is in it, then make their own decisions.

What I find funny is the reaction I get when people find out I'm a vegetarian. It's usually something along the lines of "What's wrong with you?" "What do you eat for Thanksgiving?" Or "You just need a good steak!"

It doesn't bother me, I just continue to watch them devour my vegetarian dishes and I don't look back.

I didn't persuade my ex to always eat vegetarian, but we usually did and he was a good sport about it for the most part. I was hoping he would eventually realize that he didn't need to eat meat to be happy or healthy, but in the end I realize it wasn't about the decisions my ex made, but about the decisions of mine that he supported.

So tonight I put my take on a classic meat dish: Shepherd's Pie. Just another thing that is probably fine with meat, but even better without. There are a lot of things in life that are fine enough, but why waste your time if they aren't great?

VEGETARIAN root vegetable and lentil Shepherd's Pie:

Instead of beef I use lentils and fill the dish full of root vegetables and an amazing vegetarian broth. Top with fresh mashed potatoes and this thing is good.

I'm losing it

There are a lot of things I would rather do than go through a breakup.

I would rather attend the Republican National Convention. I would rather see the GB Packers win. I would much prefer to be stuck behind a school bus when I'm late fir work, and I would consider listening to Creed for hours before I would willingly go through something this icky again.

All those stupid little breakups you go through when you are in high school or college or your 20's- apparently those don't count. This counts. This blows.

For those of you that got married to your first love and didn't get to experience a breakup, ill try and explain.

You know when you order coffee or a burger to go, you drive away excited and then when you get home or a highway exit away, you take a sip or look in the bag and come to realize it's wrong?, and the petty, completely stupid situation almost makes you cry? ALMOST.

This is 1 billion times worse.

When you fall down and it doesn't hurt, but everything sucks so bad it puts you over the edge and you cant control the tears that start to pool? ya, not nearly as bad as this.

Have you seen the Dane Cook sketch on dating and "relationshits"? If not, don't worry about viewing it, I'm living it and this is a play by play.

"When you're not in love, everyone around you falls in love. It's like love is the party, and everyone is invited but you."

Well pity party of 1, I want out. I am grossed out that I am so...Depressed...So, I bake again. This time I don't hold anything back, and I'm not going back.


Peanut Butter Cookies with Chocolate Chunks

Use honey instead of sugar
Use almond butter instead of peanut
Change what you want- these are good.

RECIPE:
1 1/2 cups unbleached all purpose flour (or sub partial almond flour)
1/3 cup old-fashioned oats
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 cup old-fashioned chunky peanut butter (about 9 ounces) (or almond butter)
1 cup (packed) golden brown sugar (increase honey if you omit)
1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, room temperature
1/4 cup honey
1 large egg
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
5 ounces semisweet chocolate, coarsely chopped (or dark, or peanuts, whatever)

Mix flour, oats, baking soda and salt in medium bowl. Using electric mixer, beat peanut butter, brown sugar, butter, honey, egg and vanilla in large bowl until well blended. Stir dry ingredients into peanut butter mixture in 2 additions. Stir in chopped chocolate. Cover and refrigerate until dough is firm and no longer sticky, about 30 minutes.
Preheat oven to 350°F. Butter 2 heavy large baking sheets. With hands, roll 1 heaping tablespoonful of dough for each cookie into 1 3/4-inch-diameter ball. Arrange cookies on prepared baking sheets, spacing 2 1/2 inches apart. Bake cookies until puffed, beginning to brown on top and still very soft to touch, about 12 minutes. Cool cookies on baking sheets 5 minutes. Using metal spatula, transfer cookies to rack and cool completely.

They stay soft and don't spread much.

(Can be made 2 days ahead. Store in airtight container at room temperature.)