Eat your heart out.

Dude, my ex broke up with a pinup model (me).  Uh, yah. 

Yep.  I got dumped for being too pretty. I assume.

...And maybe for wearing these shorts. 

Regardless.  Can you believe this? How dare he.

Now I could understand if I were really stupid, or clingy, or naggy or if I got an offensive neck tattoo, but I'm not and I didn't. So  WTF.

Turns out guys dump cool girls all the time, regardless of their hotness factor.  Douchebags don't discriminate.  But don't be tricked ladies, it probably isn't you- it's them. It always is.  Don't let them tell you that you are flawed or wrong, that just means he has issues he doesnt want to address and it is easier to push that off on you.  Now, if he tells you he just doesn't love you, that is fair, I just hope he figures it out sooner vs. later and stops wasting your/our time.  Side note: if you are one of the few ishy girls messing with one of the few good guys: stop that and thanks in advance.

However, I'm sticking to my guns, or theory, or to it, something! Not only should I never be dumped, but if I am dumped my then ex should receive abuse from his friends similar to this:

"I dumped Mara."

"Dude, WTF!?" 

"Yah. I think I can do better."

"Ummm, dude.  You can't."

"Oh."

Then they would tell him what a loser he is and he would cry.   I would get no satisfaction from his pain, because I would be too busy being awesome.

As you can tell, I think me being dumped all stems from my lack of self esteem. It's so obvious now.

So eat your heart out...of an artichoke, boys.  Have you ever cleaned one of these? It's a total bizzo.

MARINATED ARTICHOKE HEARTS

Rip off the outside leaves.  Cut in half.   Soak in lemon water.   Scrape out the hairy looking crap and the center leaves.  Cut the tips of the leaves.   Trim the stem.  Marinate.  Grill.  Eat with a lot of butter, because any guy that truly loves you will also love your big butt.  

Girl power. Meow.  

Before and after cleaning from top to bottm

Some like it hot. I do not.

I don't like spicy food. I'm a wuss. Ill admit. When It comes to spice I'm a total child. Medium salsa? No way. Chili, maybe with 3lbs of sour cream. Curry? I once cried at an Indian restaurant.

When I lived with my ex the one thing we always had around was a huge jug of hot sauce. Franks? He loved it. It went into and on everything. Me, not so much. I like cheese. Not Frank.

But hey, if there was something I was good at it was compromising. Maybe. And cooking... So I didn't get mad, but I was pretty sure he couldn't taste any of my meals with the spicy abuse his taste buds had been through over the years. Still, I loved cooking and I loved cooking for him (and Franks).

I accept he liked things hot, and I didn't (That sounds bad. We are just talking about food). And although every once in a while I try spices to see if things have changed, I always end up back at mild. I'm ok with where I am. It means I don't sweat when I eat.

So Taco Salad? Ya. It's mild.

But I always have the sir racha available on the side.

Vegetarian Taco salad
*******

In large bowl combine:
I can black beans
1/2 can corn
2T lime juice
2T taco seasoning
1 Cup Monterey Jack cheese
2 diced Roma Tomatoes
2 sliced green onions
1/2 cup chopped red onion
1/8 cup taco/enchilada sauce (MILD or hot)
Salt
Chopped cilantro

Chop lettuce, put in bowl
Crush Doritos or taco chips over lettuce
Spoon mixture on top of chips
Add sour cream/guacamole/salsa to taste.

Serve with wine, rice on the side or more cheese. You can't go wrong with cheese people. Or wine.

Also, speaking of hot: it's almost May and MN just got 2 feet of snow. CHEERS!

Oops, guess I'm not soft enough.

Some guy once told me that I wasn't soft enough for him. 

Haha... F THAT. 

No, seriously.  That happened.   Now this is some hilariousness because I cry when watching animal planet, and Subaru commercials, and YES, the movie ELF.  I am not ashamed.

So what did he mean when he told me that? Well I'm guessing he meant he would prefer someone the opposite of the type of girl that writes a breakup blog.  Boom. Nailed it.

                                  

I suppose there are girls out there that would have tried really hard to be that 'softer' type if given the chance (what does softer even mean, seriously?), but I guess I'm not that girl.  And those girls probably like jewelry by Dr Quinn the medicine woman too, so it's all relative.  I have a lot of...hmmm.... lets call it "respect" for lack of a better word, for those that admit they are too wussy to have a girl that would do anything for love, but that won't do that.  

They say the truth is somewhere in the middle. The truth is this; you cant change who someone else is.  You can't put people in a mold for your planned life.  The only thing you can change is yourself, and if you are changing for someone else you have a problem.  I may not be whatever "soft" meant to this guy, but I won't be changing that, and thats ok.  I understand the point of dating is to find someone that fits you, that you can't live without, that doesn't make you feel guilty and defective, someone worthy of seeing your softer side.  I am so grateful to have learned that there will be a guy who loves all the things the previous guy was intimidated by.  You just never know with this crazy life, he may even love tattoos.

In the meantime, here's some stuff to bake that would really taste like crap if it were "too" soft. Sometimes you gotta have a firm base.  

And soft seems pretty boring if you ask me.

Xoxo

Gossip girl.  (Jk)

An ode to valentines day

Oh Valentines day, ain't nobody got time for that.

Does anyone REALLY care about Valentines Day? I thought it was just a holiday for girls in the office to make it known they had someone by displaying tacky carnation bouquets on their desk.

As far as my Vday story; I'm a big believer in karma, what goes around comes around. Life may not be fair, but it is just.

So maybe it was karma when the first year I was with my ex he spoiled me rotten and made a big showing of multiple bouquets and candy deliveries in front of my coworkers, and then gave me a pair of socks the second year. Trust me, it wasn't the gift that mattered, it was the thought, or lack of, behind it. Anyone that knows me would know that I would have been ecstatic over a trip to Costco (I love that place!) or waking up to a freshly washed car. So what changed? Obviously it was a sign of what was to come, but that year maybe it was karma.

Back in high school I started dating this very handsome and sweet boy from another school. He took me to his prom, I did not take him to mine. He called and wanted to come see me in my plays, I didn't call him back. He bought me Orchids and held the door. He stuck around even after my dad chased him up the driveway for bringing me home past curfew. On Valentines day I had plans to meet him for dinner, but instead went out dancing with my single girl friends. I didn't bother to tell him, I just stood him up. I was a jerk. A big jerk. I felt bad for a long time until I found him on Facebook 10 years later and apologized. Yah, he clearly wasn't too traumatized by my actions, he's now a big time Washington news reporter and he still has all his hair. Thanks karma, I deserved that one.

So fast forward to 2011 and my triumphant Valentines Day. I normally could care less about the holiday, but that year I didn't have to make my lack of care so obvious. I was spoiled and it was good. He knew my favorite candy and sent me 10 pounds of it. He told the florists
"no carnations." He signed the card with his full first name. 2012 and the socks roll around and I think," ooooohhhhhh snap this can't be good." Now, Valentines day 2013 and the local bar is offering 2-1 drinks if you bring in a picture of you and your ex (I assume with your ex's eyes scratched out of course). How fitting.

So on Valentines day I won't feel bad for myself. I'll feel bad for anyone that gets engaged because the entire restaurant wait staff will mock them in the kitchen for being so cliche. I'll feel bad for the girl that actually likes that ugly "open heart" jewelry collection, and to the man that was told she would. I'll be happy for the girl that finally gets an excuse to dress up and for the adorable dressed up baby animal photos that are sure to circulate.

And I'll bake.
I'll bake these- because these are better than socks.

CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE OREO PB CUP FILLED BROWNIE CUPCAKES

preheat oven 325.
Make any recipe of chocolate chip cookie dough.
Spoon 2T dough into the bottom of a cupcake lined pan
Smash an Oreo or PB cup over the dough
Make 1 recipe basic brownie mix, spoon 2T over the top.

Bake 15 min until brownies look done. DO NOT OVERFILL LINERS
Makes 18 with leftover cookie dough.

If you are in a time crunch you can cheat with pre- cookie dough and/or brownie mix, but it won't be as good and watch for those trans fats and lard!

The Dates nobody likes

The most traumatic part of a breakup has to be the Facebook ads that follow. Not only do they know that I clearly want a dog loving, liberal voting fireman, but apparently he is available and just waiting for me to find him online. I'm so stupid! Why didn't I realize it was that simple?! So much time wasted.

As you transition into the final stage of breakup- embarrassment, you hopefully begin to date again and start the potential horror all over. Granted it is likely too soon for you to date as you are likely still having dreams about keying your ex's car, but you have to begin sometime- so you go. However, before you get to to the second date, you have to endure those awkward, awful, hilarious, bad first dates.

I have been lucky enough that I really have only had one truly bad first date that is story worthy. My college girls will know and appreciate this one...

Sophomore year in college I did what any normal 19 would do and I paid some guy $100 to make me a fake ID (sorry mom and dad). With ID in tote we spent NYE at the bar (which no longer exists shockingly) and apparently I gave my correct number to a guy. I don't remember this part, however, the following morning, yes morning, I receive a call from said guy; he wants to hang out. My immediate response is obviously no, because I don't remember anything about him and he appears to be a morning person, but then my friend Caroline reminds me that he could be good looking (again we are 19). I agree and invite him to our apartment for dinner (I was 19!!!). He arrives, brings me a rose and actually has all his teeth and hair. I make lasagna. He tells me he has "had better" right before he pulls out his wallet and shows me pictures of his 2 year old (what?). This is the part where my roommates become overjoyed with the awkwardness of my date and get involved. I'm about ready to tell this guy to get out right after he questions my understanding of what caused WWII but I make the mistake and leave the room for a few moments when my roommates inform him that I'm really shy and obviously really like him so when I'm mean and standoffish its me playing coy.

He leaves. He calls me when he is in the elevator to tell me he had a great time. He calls me daily, for days. Then I receive a call from his baby's momma wanting to know why I think I can meet her child.

I don't really remember how that whole thing ended, but I'm alive and am lucky enough not to remember that guys name. My roommates told me about their involvement a few months after.

So when I asked for the stories of others, there was a large out cry of devastating, shocking and awful stories- too many for just one blog. What appears consistent is that most awful dates are because of the guys, I received only a few stories of crazy girls. This is not shocking.

So guys, let me help you out with dating and things in general.

1. It is 2013, I'm a feminist, but its still a nice gesture to pay for dinner. This doesn't mean I'm a gold digger. It's just nice. If I ask you out (I wont) I'll offer to pay. If you can't afford a dinner or a coffee, you can't afford or you aren't creative enough to date.

2. Manners. Those things your mom taught you- yep, still useful. Icy? Maybe help me not fall on my ass when wearing heels? Don't question why I'm wearing heels! One word: doors. Go ahead and hold those.

3. Don't show up at parties, BBQ's or my parents house empty handed. It's rude. Offer to bring the wine or dessert,(or an Obama bumper sticker if you really want to score points with my dad.) This isn't "going above and beyond" this is what women with manners already know to do. Bonus points for not embarrassing me and actually introducing me to the people we are talking to.

4. Wrinkled shirts are a turn off. Learn how to dress appropriately, especially for the first date. Don't wear sneakers with holes either. icky.

5. If I get into your car (I don't care if you drive an '88 Honda or a Maserati) the backseat better not be littered with Monster drink cans, McDonalds bags and trash. If it is, ill assume you treat other important things the same way. Gross.

6. Tip well. If you are a 10% guy don't even call me. Generosity is hot. Cheap men are not. Trust me, we're watching and taking note.

7. Make decisions. Don't pick me up and ask me what we should do. That's your job if you asked me out. Yes, I will be judging you on these decisions. It's just part of the deal.

8. Compliments go a long way. You know why girls take forever to get ready? To look pretty for you jerks, maybe mention something about it?

9. Always assume you have bad breath. You likely do.

10. Constantly checking your cell phone, March Madness or not, is annoying. Ill try and survive 2 hours with mine on silent if you do.

So maybe that will help you guys get through a first date without landing on the page of my next blog "top horrible dates and horribly good recipes."

And guys, I'm still waiting for your bad first date stories about women-do they exist?


So here's a first recipe: pasta pot pies. Yah, I like carbs.

Boil 1 package pasta al dente (I used egg noodle)
In pan sauté 4 cloves garlic in olive oil and 1/2 cup red onion
Add an assortment of snap peas, green beans, carrot, broccoli, red potatoes etc. sauté until tender.
Add 1 cup halved cherry tomatoes. Sauté 2 additional minutes.

Add vegetable mixture to noodles. Add 2 T olive oil, 1 T red whine vinegar, 1/2 cup shaved Parmesan, 1/2 cup feta, salt, pepper, and 2T chopped fresh basil.

This is the point where you can stop and eat, but if you want to increase calories, dump the mix into some tin or ceramic pot pie dishes. Add some cream. Roll out phyllo dough, place on top and crease edges with a fork. Bake 350 for 20 min until top is golden brown.

I KNOW WHAT LOVE ISN'T

I don't really like being bossed around, nor do I like being scolded. That's just an appetizer to this amazing course.

So, with every breakup eventually you move on (I would hope), but not before you look back and have a good laugh at how you got here and how absolutely right your mom was about everything.

Here's a fun game, match the following quotes from my breakup with the corresponding person who said it. No, there isn't a prize but maybe you'll get as good of a laugh as I did remembering them.

************************

1."Whaaaaaat? That son of a b!tch!"

2. "Sometimes things have to fall apart so better things can fall together."

3. "Goodbye Mother f'er's!"

4. "[You] should journal, don't blog- it's not helping you."

5. "You have to fight for your sh!tty life."

6. "Is he out of his freaking mind? You dressed up as Princess Leia!"

7. "Men are babies and they will always remain babies."

8. "You loved him, and he broke your heart. It just crushes me."

9. "Dodged that bullet."

10."No more republicans or Packers fans."

11. "I know breakups suck, but like they tell homosexual teens, it gets better."

12. "He will never win. He already lost you. What else is there?"

13. "The dude will never do better than you."

14. " Ish, his new girlfriend is definitely a downgrade, and I wouldn't say that just to make you feel better."

15. "'Cause I knew you were trouble when you first walked in, so shame on me now."

16. "What's past is past."

17. "I would punch him but he's built like a linebacker."

18. "If he ever writes you another note I'm going to get someone else to kick his face in."

19. "I think he would do better with a stupid girl. You are not a stupid girl."

20. "Good. This new guy is a better fit for you than [your ex]. He was a jerk."

Some people correspond to more than one quote.

A. My mom
B. Taylor Swift
C. The movie Bridesmaids
D. My ex ex bf
E. One of my friends
F. Marilyn Monroe
G. EX BF family member
H. Me
I. Someone really smart
J. Dad
K. Walter
L. My brother
M. My cousin
N. a coworker

Sometimes things are messy

And sometimes things fall apart, but like Marilyn Monroe says, sometimes they fall apart so better things can fall together.

It seems that sometimes the easiest things can be the most difficult and messy. Do we make them that way? Or do we just overlook their complexity for their simple exterior? So many relationships look simple and easy from the outside, but inside they are a mix of hard work, compromise and heart.

I was thinking about that tonight at 9pm when I woke from my slowing downward spiral and decided to take on the large baking project of Pasties (pronounced pah-st-eez, not "paste-ees as those are for strippers).

They are so simple in ingredients. They appear delicate, but complex. They taste amazing hot or cold. Eat with or without a fork. Pasties are truly simple, but they start out messy and take a lot of time, but only because I get exited and fill them too full; and like relationships, you can put whatever you want into them, but some things will make the crust soggy. Be careful not to burn the edges and don't skimp on the fat. These keep well, but they are one of the many things that don't last forever. Eat up.

Recipe:

Prepare the dough by cutting 2 cups of cold butter into 6 cups of flour mixed with 1t baking powder and 1t salt.

Add 1 cup ice water slowly until a ball forms. Add more water or flour until dough consistency no easily handled. Divide into 2 disks, wrap in plastic wrap and refrigerate 1 hour.

Meanwhile thinly slice a combo of root vegetables: carrots, sweet potato, regular potato (necessary to protect the crust) onion, rutabaga, turnips, squash, parsnips etc.

Remove dough and roll into 8" rounds, place a layer of veggies (starting and ending with potato) and adding salt and pepper as Desired. Wrap dough in half and pinch edges. Cut 3 slices in top. Repeat with all dough. Place on baking sheet with edges.

Bake 400 for 15 minutes.

Lower temp to 350, continue to bake 15 minutes.

Remove from over. Microwave 1 stick of butter with 1 cup water. Slowly add a few tablespoons of mixture through slots in pasties.

Return to 350 oven and bake 20-30 minutes until fork inserts easily into veggies.