An ode to valentines day

Oh Valentines day, ain't nobody got time for that.

Does anyone REALLY care about Valentines Day? I thought it was just a holiday for girls in the office to make it known they had someone by displaying tacky carnation bouquets on their desk.

As far as my Vday story; I'm a big believer in karma, what goes around comes around. Life may not be fair, but it is just.

So maybe it was karma when the first year I was with my ex he spoiled me rotten and made a big showing of multiple bouquets and candy deliveries in front of my coworkers, and then gave me a pair of socks the second year. Trust me, it wasn't the gift that mattered, it was the thought, or lack of, behind it. Anyone that knows me would know that I would have been ecstatic over a trip to Costco (I love that place!) or waking up to a freshly washed car. So what changed? Obviously it was a sign of what was to come, but that year maybe it was karma.

Back in high school I started dating this very handsome and sweet boy from another school. He took me to his prom, I did not take him to mine. He called and wanted to come see me in my plays, I didn't call him back. He bought me Orchids and held the door. He stuck around even after my dad chased him up the driveway for bringing me home past curfew. On Valentines day I had plans to meet him for dinner, but instead went out dancing with my single girl friends. I didn't bother to tell him, I just stood him up. I was a jerk. A big jerk. I felt bad for a long time until I found him on Facebook 10 years later and apologized. Yah, he clearly wasn't too traumatized by my actions, he's now a big time Washington news reporter and he still has all his hair. Thanks karma, I deserved that one.

So fast forward to 2011 and my triumphant Valentines Day. I normally could care less about the holiday, but that year I didn't have to make my lack of care so obvious. I was spoiled and it was good. He knew my favorite candy and sent me 10 pounds of it. He told the florists
"no carnations." He signed the card with his full first name. 2012 and the socks roll around and I think," ooooohhhhhh snap this can't be good." Now, Valentines day 2013 and the local bar is offering 2-1 drinks if you bring in a picture of you and your ex (I assume with your ex's eyes scratched out of course). How fitting.

So on Valentines day I won't feel bad for myself. I'll feel bad for anyone that gets engaged because the entire restaurant wait staff will mock them in the kitchen for being so cliche. I'll feel bad for the girl that actually likes that ugly "open heart" jewelry collection, and to the man that was told she would. I'll be happy for the girl that finally gets an excuse to dress up and for the adorable dressed up baby animal photos that are sure to circulate.

And I'll bake.
I'll bake these- because these are better than socks.

CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE OREO PB CUP FILLED BROWNIE CUPCAKES

preheat oven 325.
Make any recipe of chocolate chip cookie dough.
Spoon 2T dough into the bottom of a cupcake lined pan
Smash an Oreo or PB cup over the dough
Make 1 recipe basic brownie mix, spoon 2T over the top.

Bake 15 min until brownies look done. DO NOT OVERFILL LINERS
Makes 18 with leftover cookie dough.

If you are in a time crunch you can cheat with pre- cookie dough and/or brownie mix, but it won't be as good and watch for those trans fats and lard!

The Dates nobody likes

The most traumatic part of a breakup has to be the Facebook ads that follow. Not only do they know that I clearly want a dog loving, liberal voting fireman, but apparently he is available and just waiting for me to find him online. I'm so stupid! Why didn't I realize it was that simple?! So much time wasted.

As you transition into the final stage of breakup- embarrassment, you hopefully begin to date again and start the potential horror all over. Granted it is likely too soon for you to date as you are likely still having dreams about keying your ex's car, but you have to begin sometime- so you go. However, before you get to to the second date, you have to endure those awkward, awful, hilarious, bad first dates.

I have been lucky enough that I really have only had one truly bad first date that is story worthy. My college girls will know and appreciate this one...

Sophomore year in college I did what any normal 19 would do and I paid some guy $100 to make me a fake ID (sorry mom and dad). With ID in tote we spent NYE at the bar (which no longer exists shockingly) and apparently I gave my correct number to a guy. I don't remember this part, however, the following morning, yes morning, I receive a call from said guy; he wants to hang out. My immediate response is obviously no, because I don't remember anything about him and he appears to be a morning person, but then my friend Caroline reminds me that he could be good looking (again we are 19). I agree and invite him to our apartment for dinner (I was 19!!!). He arrives, brings me a rose and actually has all his teeth and hair. I make lasagna. He tells me he has "had better" right before he pulls out his wallet and shows me pictures of his 2 year old (what?). This is the part where my roommates become overjoyed with the awkwardness of my date and get involved. I'm about ready to tell this guy to get out right after he questions my understanding of what caused WWII but I make the mistake and leave the room for a few moments when my roommates inform him that I'm really shy and obviously really like him so when I'm mean and standoffish its me playing coy.

He leaves. He calls me when he is in the elevator to tell me he had a great time. He calls me daily, for days. Then I receive a call from his baby's momma wanting to know why I think I can meet her child.

I don't really remember how that whole thing ended, but I'm alive and am lucky enough not to remember that guys name. My roommates told me about their involvement a few months after.

So when I asked for the stories of others, there was a large out cry of devastating, shocking and awful stories- too many for just one blog. What appears consistent is that most awful dates are because of the guys, I received only a few stories of crazy girls. This is not shocking.

So guys, let me help you out with dating and things in general.

1. It is 2013, I'm a feminist, but its still a nice gesture to pay for dinner. This doesn't mean I'm a gold digger. It's just nice. If I ask you out (I wont) I'll offer to pay. If you can't afford a dinner or a coffee, you can't afford or you aren't creative enough to date.

2. Manners. Those things your mom taught you- yep, still useful. Icy? Maybe help me not fall on my ass when wearing heels? Don't question why I'm wearing heels! One word: doors. Go ahead and hold those.

3. Don't show up at parties, BBQ's or my parents house empty handed. It's rude. Offer to bring the wine or dessert,(or an Obama bumper sticker if you really want to score points with my dad.) This isn't "going above and beyond" this is what women with manners already know to do. Bonus points for not embarrassing me and actually introducing me to the people we are talking to.

4. Wrinkled shirts are a turn off. Learn how to dress appropriately, especially for the first date. Don't wear sneakers with holes either. icky.

5. If I get into your car (I don't care if you drive an '88 Honda or a Maserati) the backseat better not be littered with Monster drink cans, McDonalds bags and trash. If it is, ill assume you treat other important things the same way. Gross.

6. Tip well. If you are a 10% guy don't even call me. Generosity is hot. Cheap men are not. Trust me, we're watching and taking note.

7. Make decisions. Don't pick me up and ask me what we should do. That's your job if you asked me out. Yes, I will be judging you on these decisions. It's just part of the deal.

8. Compliments go a long way. You know why girls take forever to get ready? To look pretty for you jerks, maybe mention something about it?

9. Always assume you have bad breath. You likely do.

10. Constantly checking your cell phone, March Madness or not, is annoying. Ill try and survive 2 hours with mine on silent if you do.

So maybe that will help you guys get through a first date without landing on the page of my next blog "top horrible dates and horribly good recipes."

And guys, I'm still waiting for your bad first date stories about women-do they exist?


So here's a first recipe: pasta pot pies. Yah, I like carbs.

Boil 1 package pasta al dente (I used egg noodle)
In pan sauté 4 cloves garlic in olive oil and 1/2 cup red onion
Add an assortment of snap peas, green beans, carrot, broccoli, red potatoes etc. sauté until tender.
Add 1 cup halved cherry tomatoes. Sauté 2 additional minutes.

Add vegetable mixture to noodles. Add 2 T olive oil, 1 T red whine vinegar, 1/2 cup shaved Parmesan, 1/2 cup feta, salt, pepper, and 2T chopped fresh basil.

This is the point where you can stop and eat, but if you want to increase calories, dump the mix into some tin or ceramic pot pie dishes. Add some cream. Roll out phyllo dough, place on top and crease edges with a fork. Bake 350 for 20 min until top is golden brown.