I KNOW WHAT LOVE ISN'T

I don't really like being bossed around, nor do I like being scolded. That's just an appetizer to this amazing course.

So, with every breakup eventually you move on (I would hope), but not before you look back and have a good laugh at how you got here and how absolutely right your mom was about everything.

Here's a fun game, match the following quotes from my breakup with the corresponding person who said it. No, there isn't a prize but maybe you'll get as good of a laugh as I did remembering them.

************************

1."Whaaaaaat? That son of a b!tch!"

2. "Sometimes things have to fall apart so better things can fall together."

3. "Goodbye Mother f'er's!"

4. "[You] should journal, don't blog- it's not helping you."

5. "You have to fight for your sh!tty life."

6. "Is he out of his freaking mind? You dressed up as Princess Leia!"

7. "Men are babies and they will always remain babies."

8. "You loved him, and he broke your heart. It just crushes me."

9. "Dodged that bullet."

10."No more republicans or Packers fans."

11. "I know breakups suck, but like they tell homosexual teens, it gets better."

12. "He will never win. He already lost you. What else is there?"

13. "The dude will never do better than you."

14. " Ish, his new girlfriend is definitely a downgrade, and I wouldn't say that just to make you feel better."

15. "'Cause I knew you were trouble when you first walked in, so shame on me now."

16. "What's past is past."

17. "I would punch him but he's built like a linebacker."

18. "If he ever writes you another note I'm going to get someone else to kick his face in."

19. "I think he would do better with a stupid girl. You are not a stupid girl."

20. "Good. This new guy is a better fit for you than [your ex]. He was a jerk."

Some people correspond to more than one quote.

A. My mom
B. Taylor Swift
C. The movie Bridesmaids
D. My ex ex bf
E. One of my friends
F. Marilyn Monroe
G. EX BF family member
H. Me
I. Someone really smart
J. Dad
K. Walter
L. My brother
M. My cousin
N. a coworker

Sometimes things are messy

And sometimes things fall apart, but like Marilyn Monroe says, sometimes they fall apart so better things can fall together.

It seems that sometimes the easiest things can be the most difficult and messy. Do we make them that way? Or do we just overlook their complexity for their simple exterior? So many relationships look simple and easy from the outside, but inside they are a mix of hard work, compromise and heart.

I was thinking about that tonight at 9pm when I woke from my slowing downward spiral and decided to take on the large baking project of Pasties (pronounced pah-st-eez, not "paste-ees as those are for strippers).

They are so simple in ingredients. They appear delicate, but complex. They taste amazing hot or cold. Eat with or without a fork. Pasties are truly simple, but they start out messy and take a lot of time, but only because I get exited and fill them too full; and like relationships, you can put whatever you want into them, but some things will make the crust soggy. Be careful not to burn the edges and don't skimp on the fat. These keep well, but they are one of the many things that don't last forever. Eat up.

Recipe:

Prepare the dough by cutting 2 cups of cold butter into 6 cups of flour mixed with 1t baking powder and 1t salt.

Add 1 cup ice water slowly until a ball forms. Add more water or flour until dough consistency no easily handled. Divide into 2 disks, wrap in plastic wrap and refrigerate 1 hour.

Meanwhile thinly slice a combo of root vegetables: carrots, sweet potato, regular potato (necessary to protect the crust) onion, rutabaga, turnips, squash, parsnips etc.

Remove dough and roll into 8" rounds, place a layer of veggies (starting and ending with potato) and adding salt and pepper as Desired. Wrap dough in half and pinch edges. Cut 3 slices in top. Repeat with all dough. Place on baking sheet with edges.

Bake 400 for 15 minutes.

Lower temp to 350, continue to bake 15 minutes.

Remove from over. Microwave 1 stick of butter with 1 cup water. Slowly add a few tablespoons of mixture through slots in pasties.

Return to 350 oven and bake 20-30 minutes until fork inserts easily into veggies.

An apology

I was discussing apology letters the other night with Friends. We are too smart to ever put any feelings on paper but we do mock a friend that once requested an apology be sent via paper. My ex told me I was too stubborn to say sorry, and he may have been right, or maybe I just wasn't ever sorry? I probably never did anything wrong to be sorry about- ever though of that?

So if I did have to write an apology letter to my ex this is what it would say:

Dear Sir,

I'm sorry that you ruined Weezer for me by making me think of the moment you and I were at their concert whenever I hear a song. Yeah, thanks.

I'm sorry I dressed up as Princess Leia.

I'm sorry I learned to love a big dopey lab named after a Packer's coach.

I'm sorry I judged your ex girlfriends by the stuff they left behind, because I never thought I would be one of them.

I'm sorry it took me 5 truck loads and 7 people to tear the "me" from your apartment and I'm sorry you still haven't delivered my bookcase.

I'm sorry you let my plants die. Alone.

I'm sorry I introduced another guy to you as "my boyfriend" when you were actually my boyfriend.

I'm sorry you taught me to compromise.

I'm sorry I can't bring myself to delete the video of you playing tug with my puppy.

I'm sorry I gave you cool shoes and taught you the difference between coordinated and matching.

I'm sorry I'm still pissed that you mysteriously ruined a $300 blazer.

I'm sorry I found it cute when you wore my girl socks because yours were all dirty.

I'm sorry I taught you to have pants hemmed verses getting them an inch too short.

I'm sorry for hiding the clothes that didn't fit you.

I'm sorry I didn't throw away your stained cheese hat or chewed up tiki statues.

I'm sorry I took up so much space on the DVR with the New Jersey psychic show.

I'm sorry for all the times you had to explain how to use the DVD player to my dad.

I'm sorry I now drive 5 min out of my way to avoid going by your house because it still hurts a little to see it.

I'm sorry you made me love another semi-crappy Minnesota sports team.

I'm sorry the smell of hot sauce reminds me of you.

I'm sorry you made all my male coworkers angry when you sent me 3 Valentine bouquets the first year and then gave me gas station socks the second.

I'm sorry you made me like a season of American Idol.

I'm sorry you weren't ashamed of liking American Idol. I was.

I'm sorry I saw you wearing all brown last week, again.

I'm sorry you were clumsy and messy and stubborn and fun, and I'm sorry you were so sure.

But I'm not sorry that I loved you.

And sorry Kellogg's, your scotcheroo recipe sucks.

Try this instead:

1/2 cup light corn syrup
1/2 cup honey
1/2 cup sugar
1 cup chunky peanut butter
6 cups rice crispy-Esk cereal.
1 cup dark chocolate chips
1 cup almond butter
Directions

1. Place corn syrup, honey and sugar into 3-quart saucepan. Cook over medium heat, stirring frequently, until sugar dissolves and mixture begins to boil. Remove from heat. Stir in peanut butter. Mix well. Add KRISPIES cereal. Stir until well coated. Press mixture into 13 x 9 x 2-inch pan coated with cooking spray. Set aside.

2. Melt chocolate and almond butter together in 1-quart saucepan over low heat, stirring constantly. Spread evenly over cereal mixture. Let stand until firm. Cut into 2 x 1-inch bars when cool.

Note: Before measuring the corn syrup, coat your measuring cup with cooking spray--the syrup will pour easily out of the cup.

I have no game

This is very apparent by the "1-800 Your Mom" written on the bottom of my bar tab receipt when the adorable NY bartender asked me to leave my number so we could get a drink later.

I'm not sure if it was the 6 vodka sodas or me thinking I was really funny, but 1-800 your mom is not my phone number, and now I feel bad.

I was extremely happy for my time in NYC as it was filled with arrogant, smart, good looking guys who were quite pleased with how I said "boat" and "about." I spilt the same drink in the same guy's lap, twice, and he didn't even care that much.

I heart NY. Their bars are open until 4.

But now I'm home and back to being totally clueless, over sharing on first dates and having guys say things like "You don't like being liked, do you?" Correct.

So I'm not awesome at the dating game, but you know what I am awesome at? Cooking breakfast.

French toast much? I love breakfast for dinner, but Wonder bread can suck it, I'm using croissants.

Recipe:

Halve croissants length wise.

In bowl beat 4 eggs, 1 cup half and half or milk and a mix of whatever spices you like: I personally love cardamom, cinnamon, nutmeg, vanilla and almond extract.

Dip croissants and put in hot frying pan with butter. Cook on medium heat until crispy.

I hate syrup so I use Nutella or berries! Yum!

As my cousin said, "I can never eat regular French toast again."

Correct.

What the...

So you know what hurts worse than the actual breakup? The fact that my rude ex bf hasn't had a few drinks and called me crying. I mean seriously, that's not even cute.

Ain't no party like an East Coast Party

So I've been deployed to New York to help our customers effected by Hurricane Sandy. Actually that's the direct verbiage they instructed me to leave on my voicemail. The word "deployed" makes me sound really important, really work sent me here to wade in ankle deep mud to write estimates on flooded vehicles.

Ill be here 21 days and obviously without a kitchen there won't be much baking, but that doesn't mean there won't be pure entertainment brought to you from your's truly. What it does mean is that after working a 12 hour day I may not be as funny as I should be.

So, let me start by saying I wouldn't suggest watching a show on the "Top 10 worst plane crashes" right before you board a plane. Again, just an ADHD tidbit.

I left Minneapolis knowing that we had nearly 18,000 claims to handle on the East coast but details were minimal. When a hurricane knocks out your power and drowns your city apparently issues with gas, heat and basic necessities arise. That doesn't exclude claims adjusters. We too get to check into hotels without full power and lug our 80 lb suitcase up 12 flights of stairs. The only close restaurant with power just happens to be, Applebee's.

I have customers that are 700th on the rental list. I've seen people who are staying at this hotel because they no longer have a home, there are people with boats in their living room wall, so I'm grateful to have a kitchen to go home to.

Before I left I had to leave behind some leftovers and my parents live right by an apple farm so I give you a really easy and so yummy apple pie variation.

Recipe:
Peel and core (don't go all the way through the bottom) 4 small apples. Mix butter, brown sugar, cardamom, vanilla, cinnamon (use whatever amounts you want to make it look tasty). Pit into center of apple.

Make a pasty dough crust, roll into squares. Brush edges with egg white. Roll up over apple, pinch edges. Brush egg over and sprinkle with sugar. Bake 350 for 30 or until brown.

Fill the apples with pumpkin or cheese cake filling, nuts, etc and change your flavor!

I'm just sorta bad

When in good I'm really, really good, but when I'm bad I'm fabulous!

So why a bad vegetarian?

I didn't become a vegetarian for health reasons, I just got that added benefit. I wasn't born and bred meatless, my parents let me choose my path. I didn't become a vegetarian to impress a guy (clearly) or to rebel. I became a vegetarian because as a kid I didn't want to eat cute animals.

There are very serious vegans out there that know what is in everything they eat, use and wear. There are vegetarians out there that call themselves vegetarian but still eat chicken. There are nutritionally careful vegetarians and there are not so careful vegetarians. I'm in the naughty not so careful category.

I do know what is in my food because I cook it. I don't eat marshmallows or gelatin yoghurt or frosted mini wheats (all have animals bi-products), but I do have leather boots and my dog still eats organic beef- so I'm no saint.

When I cook vegetarian I don't always set out to cook a protein-packed balanced entree, sometimes I just cook what looks, or tastes (hopefully both) good. Hence, my title the bad vegetarian.

I love trying new recipes and not following them. I have ADHD so if its too long or complicated I do my own thing early on. I don't have time for Martha Stewart type precision. This can be good and bad. When it's bad it's usually awful. When it's good chances are I can't remember what I did.

I do cook when I'm stressed and/or bored, and I cook when I think about calling my ex (learned that lesson early), or when I want to avoid doing laundry. You can often tell my mood by the nutritional value of my current dish. Who wants to eat healthy when they just got dumped?

Bring on the cheese.

People don't invite me to their parties because I'm fun, they invite me because I bring hot artichoke dip.

Below:

Pudding brownies
Garden Guacamole
Mini Pumpkin cheesecakes
Chocolate tortes
Artichoke dip (recipe below)

RECIPE:
in a food processor (or by hand if you aren't so lucky) pulse:
2 cans drained artichoke hearts
4oz cream cheese
1cup mozzarella
1/2 cup Parmesan
(Swap out cheese for goat or pepper jack depending on preference)
1cup mayo
1/2 cup sour cream
1T crushed rosemary
1-4 peeled garlic cloves (I heart garlic)
1t ground pepper
Fresh or frozen thawed spinach (optional)

Pulse until blended but not puréed. Add a few hand chopped artichoke quarters and spread into a baking dish. Bake 400 degrees until hot and bubbly.

Serve with carrots, pits, chips, crackers or bread. Go to bed happy.

Well that was a bad idea.

It was an interesting weekend filled with more memories ill try and suppress.

Turns out contacting your ex does not make you feel better. It does not help you heal. It does, however, make you feel like complete crap. So if you've been dumped and you want to dive deeper into your spiral of self hatred put your ex on speed dial and pray.

If you want to see the results after my experience imagine me baking a cake, throwing it in the trash and then eating it out of the trash ala Miranda on Sex in the City.

I said good day.

Hangry. So hungry you are Angry.

My dad always said he would have to kill any guy who hurt me and broke my heart. What he never planned for was when that same guy would break his heart, too. My dad mourned for my breakup. He was upset and missed my ex just like me, but he never once tried to pretend that things were going to be easy nor did he feed me the traditional lines about being too good or meeting someone better. My dad simply hugged me and said that the only thing that can help is time and he promised me that any guy would be lucky to be with me. (Dad made sure not to say "have"- he is a feminist, after all).

My mom, meanwhile, did try to make me smile by asking the cat if he would maim my ex for me. "Tuxedo, you'll claw his eyes out for Mara, won't you?" (See Tuxedo's response below).

Both of my parents are great, and they both taught me how to cook and bake. My mom knew about baking breads and pie crusts and how to make sure you didn't over beat your egg whites. Dad taught me how to throw together a great soup and freeze my tomato paste. Together they made sure my lunch as a kid was a PBJ and an oatmeal cookie and not a Snack Pack and Fruit Roll-ups. (Oh, lord, how I wanted my parents to buy Snack Packs and Fruit Roll-ups!)

When I was really young, maybe 10, I decided all on my own that I was going to become a vegetarian and over night I cut out meat, cold turkey. Literally. My family never ate a lot of meat to start with so it wasn't that huge of a change, but I do remember that my parents supported my choice 100%. When my dad would make turkey he would always make sure to have something else prepared for me. My mom would attempt to educate me on nutrition and vitamins and still does today.

I don't walk around as if being a vegetarian is my identity, but it is part of it. As a kid I didn't want animals to have to suffer so I could eat them, and I still don't. I understand other people have a different mentality about meat and that is fine -- I don't preach or ridicule, but I would hope that if people do eat meat they know where it's coming from and what is in it, then make their own decisions.

What I find funny is the reaction I get when people find out I'm a vegetarian. It's usually something along the lines of "What's wrong with you?" "What do you eat for Thanksgiving?" Or "You just need a good steak!"

It doesn't bother me, I just continue to watch them devour my vegetarian dishes and I don't look back.

I didn't persuade my ex to always eat vegetarian, but we usually did and he was a good sport about it for the most part. I was hoping he would eventually realize that he didn't need to eat meat to be happy or healthy, but in the end I realize it wasn't about the decisions my ex made, but about the decisions of mine that he supported.

So tonight I put my take on a classic meat dish: Shepherd's Pie. Just another thing that is probably fine with meat, but even better without. There are a lot of things in life that are fine enough, but why waste your time if they aren't great?

VEGETARIAN root vegetable and lentil Shepherd's Pie:

Instead of beef I use lentils and fill the dish full of root vegetables and an amazing vegetarian broth. Top with fresh mashed potatoes and this thing is good.

I'm losing it

There are a lot of things I would rather do than go through a breakup.

I would rather attend the Republican National Convention. I would rather see the GB Packers win. I would much prefer to be stuck behind a school bus when I'm late fir work, and I would consider listening to Creed for hours before I would willingly go through something this icky again.

All those stupid little breakups you go through when you are in high school or college or your 20's- apparently those don't count. This counts. This blows.

For those of you that got married to your first love and didn't get to experience a breakup, ill try and explain.

You know when you order coffee or a burger to go, you drive away excited and then when you get home or a highway exit away, you take a sip or look in the bag and come to realize it's wrong?, and the petty, completely stupid situation almost makes you cry? ALMOST.

This is 1 billion times worse.

When you fall down and it doesn't hurt, but everything sucks so bad it puts you over the edge and you cant control the tears that start to pool? ya, not nearly as bad as this.

Have you seen the Dane Cook sketch on dating and "relationshits"? If not, don't worry about viewing it, I'm living it and this is a play by play.

"When you're not in love, everyone around you falls in love. It's like love is the party, and everyone is invited but you."

Well pity party of 1, I want out. I am grossed out that I am so...Depressed...So, I bake again. This time I don't hold anything back, and I'm not going back.


Peanut Butter Cookies with Chocolate Chunks

Use honey instead of sugar
Use almond butter instead of peanut
Change what you want- these are good.

RECIPE:
1 1/2 cups unbleached all purpose flour (or sub partial almond flour)
1/3 cup old-fashioned oats
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 cup old-fashioned chunky peanut butter (about 9 ounces) (or almond butter)
1 cup (packed) golden brown sugar (increase honey if you omit)
1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, room temperature
1/4 cup honey
1 large egg
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
5 ounces semisweet chocolate, coarsely chopped (or dark, or peanuts, whatever)

Mix flour, oats, baking soda and salt in medium bowl. Using electric mixer, beat peanut butter, brown sugar, butter, honey, egg and vanilla in large bowl until well blended. Stir dry ingredients into peanut butter mixture in 2 additions. Stir in chopped chocolate. Cover and refrigerate until dough is firm and no longer sticky, about 30 minutes.
Preheat oven to 350°F. Butter 2 heavy large baking sheets. With hands, roll 1 heaping tablespoonful of dough for each cookie into 1 3/4-inch-diameter ball. Arrange cookies on prepared baking sheets, spacing 2 1/2 inches apart. Bake cookies until puffed, beginning to brown on top and still very soft to touch, about 12 minutes. Cool cookies on baking sheets 5 minutes. Using metal spatula, transfer cookies to rack and cool completely.

They stay soft and don't spread much.

(Can be made 2 days ahead. Store in airtight container at room temperature.)

Mac n' cheese. The Real Stuff.

What does one do right after you spend 2 hours deleting pictures of your ex off your iPhone? I know what you are thinking and you are wrong.

You have a glass of wine and you eat.

I called my best friend, "I hated today, I feel like an irritable 2-year-old. I want to feed my emotions instead of working through them but I can't figure out what will make me feel better."

"Macaroni and cheese. And none of that organic stuff -- that will just make you angry and unfulfilled. You want the real Kraft stuff." She didn't even have to think, because she knew. And she was right. A true friend doesn't question your poor life choices during times like these, she knows better.

Now don't you judge me, I'm well aware that this is not a healthy solution to my current mental state, but I'm not in the mood to soothe my pain with a jog. I've got a ways to go before these blogs aren't depressing and butter based, so sit down- shit is about to get real. Kraft "real" Mac n cheese that is. (Yes, I hate myself for using that line also.)

However, this story gets more horrific as I didn't have any Kraft in my house. I did, however, have 18 varieties of cheese (seriously, I don't mess around) and some Penne so behold, my new comfort food. Baked cheesy penne with bianca sauce and more cheese.

If this doesn't work, I plan to follow with a bag of cheese puffs and repeat. Maybe one day ill regret my big(er) butt but ill thank cheese for getting me through the first month.

Recipe: Not healthy Real Mac and cheese.

Boil pasta (1 box any time of tubular variety) until al dente.
Make a basic béchamel sauce: melt 1/2 C butter and whisk in 1/4c flour. Add 4C of 1/2 and1/2 in little bits at a time until thick. Add salt and pepper to season. I added a few chopped tomatoes for flavor but you can omit or increase these, try adding sauce for a true Bianca sauce flavor.

Mix in 2C sharp cheddar until melted. Pour over pasta in large baking dish. Cover with additional cheese of your choice (choose easy melting cheeses), 1c bread crumbs and 2T melted butter and dry parsley.

Feel free to mix in broccoli or my personal favorite artichokes and spinach. Add more milk or cheese to your desired consistency.

Bake 400 degrees until bubbly- about 20 min.

The breakup song

Everyone has one. You all know the song you find and play over and over again until you stop or start crying? For some it's a song that reminds them they will be ok, for some it's about keying his car; for me it's anything by Pink. My god that woman has had some heart break! Every cd is another horrific struggle where she is hating on or missing or wounding her ex. I love that drunk, lawn-tractor-driving chick.

I figure if you can dump someone as rich and hot as Pink then obviously god created stupid men and dating to punish women. (This is not the moment when I start to go off about how men are jerks, but I am excited for that time!)

When women get dumped it always helps to have that one friend in our lives who has a crappier life than us. NO, I'm not that rude (despite what my ex appears to think) Hear me out!

This person doesn't have to be a good or close friend, maybe someone you know of through someone else, maybe Brittany Spears- whatever, just someone with some bad luck. I know it sounds horrible but seriously we are competitive creatures, we all compete in some way or another.

Now, when your friend's crappy life looks appealing compared to your life you have struck damn near rock bottom and its time to get your $hit together.

I recommend, but admittedly don't follow my own advice, to stop playing that same song over and over again. People in other cars can see you crying and your company phone number is stenciled on your vehicle doors. This isn't good. Or maybe it is? Men like frail women right?

Also, try to remember the stories of horrible first dates that you and your friends went on (such as the guy I know who dated a girl with 6 fingers on one hand -or the guy whose ex showed up at my door after our first date?) All in all things could be worse. Imagine all the brainless trolls my ex will date before he realizes what he had? Imagine all the creepy guys I will date before I remember I have standards? A lot.

So in the meantime I'm experimenting with the effects of cheese puffs, pie and Rolos chocolates on breakup depression. Data currently not available.

My ex would have loved this:

Sweet potato pecan pie

1. Bake 2 medium sweet potatoes until soft. Remove skin and put in mixer with the following while still warm:

1/4 cup butter
1 can sweetened condensed milk
1t grated orange peel
1t vanilla
1t cinnamon
1t nutmeg
1/4t salt
2 eggs

Mix well. Put into a 9" unbaked pie crust (don't buy a gross pre-made one, making your own is easy just google!) and bake at 350 for 30 min.

Meanwhile mix 1 egg, 3T dark corn syrup, 3T dark brown sugar packed, 1T melted butter, 1T maple syrup then add 1C chopped pecans.

Spread on top of pie and bake an additional 25min until golden.

Let cool. Serve warm or chilled.

All the single ladies

You know the Beyonce song, "...if ya liked it should'a put a ring on it..."?

Boy how fun that was when I wanted to be single, and how not so fun it is when I'm not 100% single by choice. My mom says that this makes me sound needy and I totally agree.

Don't get me wrong, I did not demand my ex put a ring on it, nor is this why we broke up (I'm still figuring that one out).

Just yesterday my best friend and I were at a friend's wedding. Looking around we were quick to determine we were in the single girl minority. And by minority I mean it was us and the 5 year olds. Obviously this meant two things: 1. Make friends with the bartenders, and 2. Avoid that stupid bouquet toss at ALL costs.

After several weddings as a single girl (note that even those in relationships are included as they aren't married) I have come to know the signs of the looming bouquet toss. Here I was minding my own business, just drinking my wine when out of the corner of my eye I spot none other than the bride with her "backup tossing bouquet.". At that point I knew that I had to get the heck out of there. Leaving my shoes (you never leave your shoes!) I screamed to my friend, "It's time!" as I simultaneously began sprinting toward the exit. She wasted no time asking me "What?" She knew the drill and almost took out a waiter as the first few chords of "Single Ladies" began to play. We made it out just in time and judging from the fact that a married chick caught the bouquet I think we made the right call.

The bouquet toss is a single girls abusive nightmare that haunts our dreams and I for one will not support it (until I have my own husband to cling to-then it's game on suckers!).

So after such an emotional and physical (no, I don't run) event we retreated to my place where we consumed food like 15 year old boys at a football carbo load night.

One of my staples Banana bread with a MN twist- sweet tango apples.

Recipe

Mash 3-4 ripe bananas with 1/3 cup melted butter

Ass 1/3 cup plain yoghurt or sour cream, 1t vanilla and 1 egg. Mix

Add 3/4 C sugar, 1/4c brown sugar.

Then gently fold in 1t baking soda, pinch of salt and 1 1/2 cups flour.

Peel and cut a small apple and add to the mix.

Pour into a greased and floured bread pan. Bake 350 degrees for 1 hour.

Serve with apple butter or cream cheese- and trust me he will be wishing he put a ring on it.

Nothing is ever perfect...

I am a self proclaimed perfectionist. I rewrite sticky notes if they look too messy. I clean my work truck every weekend. I organize the fridge according to carton size.

Sure, some call this OCD, I call it detailed. Perfection is a hard lesson to learn for a perfectionist. There is bound to come a time in life when things simply can't be perfect, you can't make them perfect, and those moments are devastating.

Surprisingly, I somehow figured out early on that relationships won't, and can't, be perfect. Sure, your friends appear to have perfect lives and relationships on Facebook, with their beautiful houses, Golden Retriever named "Pal" and 2.5 children; but that isn't real life, that is the life we choose to show everyone. Really that dog has mange, their house is rented and their 2.5 kids torture baby animals.

My relationship with my ex wasn't perfect, but there were a lot of perfect moments. I knew I was in trouble with him as soon as I realized I was willing to compromise. I think he knew he was in trouble when he saw 54 taped episodes of "Bridezillas" on the tv.

I hope I made my ex a better person too. If I didn't I know for sure I at least improved his facial hair status (if he shaves it off to spite me I'll know he definitely misses me).

When he looks back on "us" I hope he feels sad (and a bit of me hopes he aggressively weeps into his pillow at night).

My ex said he regretted "us" after reading this blog, and I hope that's not true because I still have some stuff at his place.

So with that I bring to you the following from my kitchen, something that I admit is not, and can't be, perfect: The Chocolate Chip Cookie.

The problem is that the perfect chocolate chip cookie stays soft. The bigger problem is that the only reason cookies stay soft is because they are made with Lard or shortening, and that is not something I'm willing to do.

Recipe:

Cream 1 1/3c soft unsalted butter, 1c sugar, 1c light brown sugar, 2 cage free organic eggs and 2t vanilla until pale and fluffy. Add 2.5c flour, 1t sea salt, and 1t baking soda. Mix in 12oz dark chocolate chips (or cut your own chunks from a really good bar of chocolate).

Bake 350 degrees for 10-12min. Cool on a cooling rack. Use an ice cream scoop for easy dropping onto cookie sheets.

5 stages and 9 dogs

I have a love hate relationship with grocery shopping. I hate the part where you have to pay for the items at the end, but I love coming up with recipes in my head when something I see sparks my cooking creativity. This usually results in various items that do not make a meal in the cart (insert ADHD comment here). Grocery time is also a good way to avoid thinking about your ex or your breakup; That is until you reach the aisle with all the items you would buy special for your ex- then you are like, son of a! And you begin weeping in front of the produce guy who pretends to check avocado ripeness to avoid eye contact with you.

So back to my point. When you google "breakups" (uh, no I didn't google breakups- I mean how sad would that be if I did), anyway when you google "breakups" they give you the 5 stages of breakups which are very similar to grief and death. The stages start out with shock, denial (oh ya), depression (you don't say?) and then apparently anger (typically when you are in the middle of hauling your dresser down his stairs) and eventually acceptance and recovery. I believe I am in 4 of the 5 stages currently and simultaneously. I believe the term for that is manic? Just another manic Monday, oh oh oh. Heart that song. (Another ADHD comment goes here.)

Moving on. When you go through these stages it is important to have your support. Sometimes that support comes from friends, sometimes family and sometimes for me double stuffed Oreos. Oreos are so full of chemicals and trans fats, they are purely poison, and this makes me want them even more. There is something about wallowing in self pity where self deprecation is cathartic. Bring on the cancerous cookies please. "But you are the spokeswoman for organic baking!?" People shout. Yes, but even this girl doesn't always follow the rules (we will come back to that later).

These are times when I can't wait to get home to put on my fat pants and crawl into bed with a case of Oreos and drift off to sleep (its about 6pm if you are wondering), because when I'm sleeping I don't have to think about him, or us.

I think naps are breakup stage 6 so don't fight the urge. Now, no nap would be complete without a furry buddy (don't even go there pervs); I am talking about dogs. They say so much without saying anything at all (hate that song).

When you are traumatized by a breakup you should immediately go out and get 9 dogs. Get yourself outnumbered ASAP. If you have concerns about your general safety when around so many dogs you are on the right track.

Now take it up a notch. When you are looking for ways to occupy your broken heart and obsessive mind and you have no one to cook for, make dog food. No, I'm not joking. Get a food processor and start pulsing.

I used to cook dinner for my ex almost every night. Now I cook breakfast for my dog every...night.

With some vet guidance to make sure the essential vitamins and minerals are included, I whipped up an all natural organic diet for my dog, Walter. He used to eat the best grain free dog food I could find, but after research that wasn't good enough anymore. Walter enjoys his homemade diet and I enjoy spending twice as much money and time. I know he appreciates it more than my ex ever did because of the way he licks the bowl at the end. Then again, he also tries to eat kitty litter....


Doggie diet
*please reference Dr.Pitcairn's "Complete Guide to Natural Health" or Dr.Ian Dunbar's "Give Your Dog a Bone" before attempting this diet.

Combine 1cup cooked oatmeal or quinoa with 1 cup raw ground beef, 1 raw egg, 1T nutritional yeast, 1t kelp, 1/2T kelp powder, 1/2T bone meal powder, 1t powdered vitamin C.

Purée raw veggies (carrots, parsley, beets, zucchini etc) and add 1/2 cup. Rotate raw meats and raw veggies: feed amounts according to your Dog's size and activity level.

Don't buy your dog food at Walmart.

I'm fighting for my sh!tty life.

It feels like my ex is engraved into my life. Everything good about him is etched into everything I know. I seem to forget anything annoying or rude about him although I know those things existed (such as the glaringly obvious one where he dumped a really cool girl).

It must be a cruel joke where 90% of your day reminds you of your ex. I'm shopping in Target and walk by the men's socks; " aww, I used to buy him socks," Or I see a cupboard open and think "aww he used to do that." That was really annoying come to think of it.

For the first two years I spent my time incorporating him into every nook of my life, and after the breakup I can't spend enough time trying to unravel him from it. Shame on me for ordering address labels with both our names!

I say I don't have any regrets about this relationship, and I try not to. People tell me it was worth it because with every person you date you learn about yourself and you learn what you want, or in my case what you don't want. I prefer not to have someone that dumps me just before year 2. I guess I don't understand why it took my ex so long to give up on me, to give up on us. Maybe he really wanted to make it work but it was too forced? Yuck, I don't like that idea.

Next time i'll take the clingy guy who wants nothing but to spend time with me; The guy who ditches his friends and texts me 43 times a day asking what I am doing. Kidding. Kinda.

So I was thinking, why haven't women created some form of secret dating database for men? One women would log that her ex was way too into cleaning and so she dumped him, I would search"OCD" and the guy would come up and I would be like "umm jackpot!"

It also seems logical to brand them (yes I am now rudely talking about men like they are cattle). Maybe take a thumb for every girl you cheat on? Hey- 2 strikes you are out seems very fair.

Just because you don't regret your relationship doesn't mean you can't be pissed. I'm pretty pissed, and I'm pretty. I'm not pissed that he dumped me, because I would never want to be with someone who wasn't obsessed with being with me, but I'm pissed that in the end he could walk away so easily- like I was another business transaction.

I am also angry, but only because he used one of those horrible lines when he told me that I was "a good person," and he missed my dog (no, he didn't mention missing me). I'm also pissed because somewhere in the mail forwarding my DSW shoe coupons got lost. That is not ok. Do you have any idea the downward spiral that has ensued because of this?!

So, like baking, sometimes you try things and they don't work out. You always think or hope that they will. Sometimes you don't like how they turn out but everyone else does. Sometimes you give up in the middle or toward the end and sometimes you don't even want to go into the kitchen. My best advice (no, I shouldn't be giving advice) is to give it a try. It sucks when it goes wrong, but how else will you learn that imperfections are perfection and madness is genius or something like that.

So tonight I obviously had to feed my emotions with cheese. This is my version of the vegetarian "Juicy Lucy." It's a fried mozzarella slice with roasted veggies and pesto on a pretzel bun. Ha!

After 3/4 bottle of wine the recipe seems very time consuming to type, but here is what I can recall:

Slice fresh mozzarella. Put in freezer for a 15 min (easier to work with). Dip in flour. Then dip in egg/milk mixture and finally bread crumbs with whatever herbs you want (I used onion and garlic powder, Salt and parsley). Fry in 1/2in of oil. Toast a bun, slather with fresh pesto and then top with roasted zucchini red pepper, mushroom and red pepper, then add the fried cheese. Those tears will immediately turn into calories right on your butt, where your ex can put his lips.

So, just like the movie "Bridesmaids" says, "You have to fight for your sh!tty life," so this is me fighting for mine.

Liquor was made for baking

It's 11pm.



Obviously it's a good time to make brownies with creme de' menthe. Super easy and even better frozen.