I'm fighting for my sh!tty life.

It feels like my ex is engraved into my life. Everything good about him is etched into everything I know. I seem to forget anything annoying or rude about him although I know those things existed (such as the glaringly obvious one where he dumped a really cool girl).

It must be a cruel joke where 90% of your day reminds you of your ex. I'm shopping in Target and walk by the men's socks; " aww, I used to buy him socks," Or I see a cupboard open and think "aww he used to do that." That was really annoying come to think of it.

For the first two years I spent my time incorporating him into every nook of my life, and after the breakup I can't spend enough time trying to unravel him from it. Shame on me for ordering address labels with both our names!

I say I don't have any regrets about this relationship, and I try not to. People tell me it was worth it because with every person you date you learn about yourself and you learn what you want, or in my case what you don't want. I prefer not to have someone that dumps me just before year 2. I guess I don't understand why it took my ex so long to give up on me, to give up on us. Maybe he really wanted to make it work but it was too forced? Yuck, I don't like that idea.

Next time i'll take the clingy guy who wants nothing but to spend time with me; The guy who ditches his friends and texts me 43 times a day asking what I am doing. Kidding. Kinda.

So I was thinking, why haven't women created some form of secret dating database for men? One women would log that her ex was way too into cleaning and so she dumped him, I would search"OCD" and the guy would come up and I would be like "umm jackpot!"

It also seems logical to brand them (yes I am now rudely talking about men like they are cattle). Maybe take a thumb for every girl you cheat on? Hey- 2 strikes you are out seems very fair.

Just because you don't regret your relationship doesn't mean you can't be pissed. I'm pretty pissed, and I'm pretty. I'm not pissed that he dumped me, because I would never want to be with someone who wasn't obsessed with being with me, but I'm pissed that in the end he could walk away so easily- like I was another business transaction.

I am also angry, but only because he used one of those horrible lines when he told me that I was "a good person," and he missed my dog (no, he didn't mention missing me). I'm also pissed because somewhere in the mail forwarding my DSW shoe coupons got lost. That is not ok. Do you have any idea the downward spiral that has ensued because of this?!

So, like baking, sometimes you try things and they don't work out. You always think or hope that they will. Sometimes you don't like how they turn out but everyone else does. Sometimes you give up in the middle or toward the end and sometimes you don't even want to go into the kitchen. My best advice (no, I shouldn't be giving advice) is to give it a try. It sucks when it goes wrong, but how else will you learn that imperfections are perfection and madness is genius or something like that.

So tonight I obviously had to feed my emotions with cheese. This is my version of the vegetarian "Juicy Lucy." It's a fried mozzarella slice with roasted veggies and pesto on a pretzel bun. Ha!

After 3/4 bottle of wine the recipe seems very time consuming to type, but here is what I can recall:

Slice fresh mozzarella. Put in freezer for a 15 min (easier to work with). Dip in flour. Then dip in egg/milk mixture and finally bread crumbs with whatever herbs you want (I used onion and garlic powder, Salt and parsley). Fry in 1/2in of oil. Toast a bun, slather with fresh pesto and then top with roasted zucchini red pepper, mushroom and red pepper, then add the fried cheese. Those tears will immediately turn into calories right on your butt, where your ex can put his lips.

So, just like the movie "Bridesmaids" says, "You have to fight for your sh!tty life," so this is me fighting for mine.

Liquor was made for baking

It's 11pm.



Obviously it's a good time to make brownies with creme de' menthe. Super easy and even better frozen.

Tools and a Tool

The first gift I ever gave my ex was a garlic press. Not just any garlic press, the nice kind where you don't even have to peel your garlic.

So lets talk about kitchen equipment. No, actually lets share my relationship details over a public blog. More entertaining.

My ex was a pretty good cook. I was better. He made me eat eggplant for the first time which, for this bad vegetarian, was a feat. He taught me that peanut butter in your cereal sounds crazy but tastes good. He taught me that when a guy says he will always love you that is code for "get out of my life. Now."

I loved cooking and I loved him. I would zone out in the kitchen, which would mean on average we would eat at about 10pm. He learned to deal with eating late, I learned to fix him a snack.

People would ask me if I "let" my ex eat meat. I did and he did. I just didn't cook it for him. I wasn't that cool of a girlfriend.

He was pretty good about it. He liked,or pretended to like, my falafel and couscous concoctions. The rest of the time I knew he secretly despised me for all of our meatless dishes. He really loved his meat.

One of our biggest, and only (go figure) fights was about raising kids vegetarian or not. I stand my ground. If I push that thing out of my crotch they don't eat meat until they are old enough to decide that for themselves.

I did convince him that the kids would drink organic milk despite the $7 price tag when I told him that girls are developing boobs at age 9 because of the hormones in regular milk.

No, my dog is not a vegetarian. No one is perfect.

Rules and really bad bread

I have been single for about 5 hours so I consider myself a breakup expert. I'll let you guys in on some advice.

1. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT go on Facebook, ever again. It is the single girl's nemesis. It is the conveyer of evil. It will only bring up ads of wedding rings or weight loss supplements to further plumit you into your depressive downward spiral. You will log on and instead of poems of heartache written by your ex you will see joyous pictures of him making out with other girls on the couch you bought. Ok, maybe not, but still- it's bad news. Stay away. Also, you can be honest and tell people how bad things suck, but for god's sake please don't post one of those awful, passive aggressive things like "I wonder if anyone would care if I moved to Alaska..." and hope that your ex responds, because he won't. He dumped you, and he sucks.

2. Let yourself go. Not forever, but for the first few days just be really gross and nasty. Mascara burns when it drips into your eyes and there's no need for an "outfit" when going to the gas station. As my Grandpa John always said, "They don't care what you look like, they will still take your money." And he was right. Also with the invention of the self checkout you can buy pudding and cheese crackers without even speaking to another human. I didn't shower for two days after my breakup, on day 3 I found a hat so that took me into day 4. Now remember, you can't let yourself go completely- you'll eventually have to rejoin society and be seen in public, but you do not have to shave your legs until then. Do, however, be prepared to be hit on a lot. See, when you look gross and nasty guys think you aren't fussy and believe they actually have a chance with you. Avoid these interactions by shouting random obscene words when you see one approaching. No guy is ready for crazy dumped dirty girl.

3. You may be entering the sad-angry stage (this is not the full on hate stage, I think that comes later). At this point it's important that you keep your baking simple, and PLEASE do not make the same mistake I made and try and bake healthy. Now is the time for extra butter and sugar. So tonight I admit I tried for something with pumpkin (I would bathe in it if I could) after having the new Ace Pumpkin hard cider at the bar. I used cornmeal and applesauce instead of flour and sugar. It was not good. Why? because it was good for you. Next time ill add butter and make it more cakey vs. cornbready, Then ill throw it on the ground and scream "no! no i wont eat your filthy calories!".

Good idea me, bad execution. I probably won't make it again. It broke my heart. It would appear baking is a lot like relationships. Learn from your mistakes but don't stop trying.

Pumpkin corn bread

No. You can't have the recipe. It sucked.

football and fruit.

Sundays are bittersweet.  I used to love sleeping in (no, I did not just wake up in case you were wondering) and then going to the farmers market next door to pick out a weeks worth of dinner vegetables. This was followed by football (my ex even taped his Packers game once so that we could watch my Vikings on the big screen).   That was when I knew he truly loved me... I digress, anyway- Sundays were my favorite lazy day and I cherished the 12 hours I had to spend in the kitchen, pausing the game to check on muffins or running to turn on my mixer at half time.  Football and baking in my pajamas- it couldn't get better than that.  

So this Sunday started a bit different.  I still slept in (I'm mourning-Don't judge me!) and then immediately turned all tv's to my Vikings (this time there was no debate about which tv got which game).  I knew that something had to give and my Vikings beat the supposed Super-Bowl-bound 49'ers. I assume this was the Universe cashing in my good karma.  Walter did not appreciate the win, as I guess dogs don't usually differentiate between screaming and fighting and screaming at a college ref who has never watched an NFL game.   He hid in the closet for a bit but not before I continued my streak of animal abuse through pet costumes.   

Priceless.

 Oddly I think relationships are a lot like football.  As the announcer said, "You can be a really great team, but if you don't come ready to play, you are going to lose."  How 'bout them apples?! 

So today I started with a breakfast recipe I saw on Pinterest. A baked oatmeal and fruit number that looks like a crisp.  It was decent. If you buy those pre-packaged, hydrogenated muffin or cereal bars this is a much better option.  These bars freeze well and are easy to eat while you drive (I assume, obviously that is dangerous and as an insurance adjuster I would never try that, obviously).

Ingredients
http://alwaysamrsforeverakidd.blogspot.com/2012/01/gluten-free-baked-oatmeal-casserole.html

So above is the link to the recipe. Note that I used regular oatmeal, I threw in strawberries and raspberries and I made sure all of the banana was covered so they didn't look brown.   I also used almonds vs walnuts.  

I think I need a nap now.

Tears of tiramisu cupcakes

Have you ever had one of those gut wrenching, awful breakups? The kind that leave you crying in bed watching reruns of "say yes to the dress?" I finally let someone really break my heart and so I'm doing what any normal person would do, I'm baking.  A lot.  

Baking has always been my stress reliever; something I can get lost in.   I knew I couldn't drown my sorrows at the bar, that would require mascara- which wasn't an option.  My friends were eventually going to get sick of my self loathing and my dog was even avoiding my tight embraces that lasted just a bit too long.  I needed something to distract me from trying to figure out a new life overnight; Something to keep me from sending him photos of my middle finger.

And so A BAD VEGETARIAN was born, and this month/year's topic: BAKING THROUGH MY BREAKUP.  All the recipes are vegetarian, some are gluten free and Vegan too.

Read along and see me bake (and sometimes cook), complain and vent. Sometimes I start baking at midnight, sometimes I forget if I added the baking powder. I'm almost perfect but ill tell you if things aren't good.  Of course ill brag when things are great, but hopefully this will entertain us both long enough for me to realize that everything happens for a reason, despite how bad they can hurt.   Warning: I'm too lazy to spell check, I'm new to blogging and I've yet to figure out how to upload pics.

Week 1: tiramisu cupcakes

My cousin's wife is prego and I needed a dessert for the baby shower. Who doesn't love cupcakes? I originally started with the recipe by Martha Stewart, but that bizzo is way more patient than I am so I made some minor changes.  They looked adorable and tasted great, although let me warn you these are not for amateurs. Do not overheat your eggs or whipped cream and make sure you have space in your fridge for 30 cupcakes to chill!

2am.  I just woke up from my depression nap and realized I needed to bake. Anything to take my mind off him.

I usually choose what I bake according to what is about to expire in my fridge. Tonight it was marscapone.

Behold. Tiramisu cupcakes.

Tiramisu Cupcakes

Yield: about 28 cupcakes

INGREDIENTS

For the cupcakes:
1¾ cups plus 2 tbsp. cake flour, sifted
1¼ tsp. baking powder
¾ tsp. coarse salt
6 tbsp. milk
1 vanilla bean, split lengthwise
6 tbsp. unsalted butter, at room temperature, cut into pieces
5 large whole eggs plus 4 large egg yolks
1½ cup sugar

For the soaking syrup:½ cup freshly brewed very strong coffee (or espresso)
3 tbsp. Kahlua
6 tbsp. sugar

For the frosting:
1½ cups heavy cream
12 oz. mascarpone cheese, at room temperature
¾ cup confectioners’ sugar, sifted

To finish:
Unsweetened cocoa powder, for dusting