Rules and really bad bread

I have been single for about 5 hours so I consider myself a breakup expert. I'll let you guys in on some advice.

1. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT go on Facebook, ever again. It is the single girl's nemesis. It is the conveyer of evil. It will only bring up ads of wedding rings or weight loss supplements to further plumit you into your depressive downward spiral. You will log on and instead of poems of heartache written by your ex you will see joyous pictures of him making out with other girls on the couch you bought. Ok, maybe not, but still- it's bad news. Stay away. Also, you can be honest and tell people how bad things suck, but for god's sake please don't post one of those awful, passive aggressive things like "I wonder if anyone would care if I moved to Alaska..." and hope that your ex responds, because he won't. He dumped you, and he sucks.

2. Let yourself go. Not forever, but for the first few days just be really gross and nasty. Mascara burns when it drips into your eyes and there's no need for an "outfit" when going to the gas station. As my Grandpa John always said, "They don't care what you look like, they will still take your money." And he was right. Also with the invention of the self checkout you can buy pudding and cheese crackers without even speaking to another human. I didn't shower for two days after my breakup, on day 3 I found a hat so that took me into day 4. Now remember, you can't let yourself go completely- you'll eventually have to rejoin society and be seen in public, but you do not have to shave your legs until then. Do, however, be prepared to be hit on a lot. See, when you look gross and nasty guys think you aren't fussy and believe they actually have a chance with you. Avoid these interactions by shouting random obscene words when you see one approaching. No guy is ready for crazy dumped dirty girl.

3. You may be entering the sad-angry stage (this is not the full on hate stage, I think that comes later). At this point it's important that you keep your baking simple, and PLEASE do not make the same mistake I made and try and bake healthy. Now is the time for extra butter and sugar. So tonight I admit I tried for something with pumpkin (I would bathe in it if I could) after having the new Ace Pumpkin hard cider at the bar. I used cornmeal and applesauce instead of flour and sugar. It was not good. Why? because it was good for you. Next time ill add butter and make it more cakey vs. cornbready, Then ill throw it on the ground and scream "no! no i wont eat your filthy calories!".

Good idea me, bad execution. I probably won't make it again. It broke my heart. It would appear baking is a lot like relationships. Learn from your mistakes but don't stop trying.

Pumpkin corn bread

No. You can't have the recipe. It sucked.